Do all your relationships follow the same pattern and end the same way?
Sometimes we go into relationships with the preconceived notion that the other person was the problem. We do the same things, act the same way, make the same decisions, expect the new person to react the way we would to a situation; in essence, we remain the same without growth and still think the other person is at fault.
Even in our relationship with God; we sin (purposefully) and expect that he will bless us because "we are only human", "God is forgiving", "God is loving", "God is merciful", "God knows my heart".
Yes! God is all those things but if we truly believe that God knows our hearts, we also MUST concede that God, therefore, knows that we are Unrepentant, Unchanging, and use him conveniently. Just like we use our partners conveniently, just as we are not sorry for our negative traits, just as we are not willing to change the negative parts of us.
Consider this scenario:
A woman, lets call her Anna.
Anna has just ended another relationship, some of the feedback she received was not new to her, they included: She kept bringing up the past and kept expecting her boyfriend to do what the last boyfriend would have done (the negative, even though he would do a lot of positive). She likes to be spoiled (materialistically and affectionately), however, she is stingy in spending on her mate, and "doesn't like to be mushy". Her relationship has ended because her boyfriend wouldn't spend on her and would cheat on her.
She meets a new man, and she expects that he will spoil her materialistically and with affection. Her current relationship also ends, he had never cheated and he tried to spoil her as best he could, but she was paranoid that he would cheat and she was very demanding emotionally and materialistically.
She loved him? Yes! However, she was not able to give him what he desired from the relationship, as she was unwilling to spoil him as well and she was not into being mushy and overly loving to him outside of just saying "I love you (too)".
Two different situations, two different relationships, same outcome.
I'll tell you why. Anna was the same in BOTH relationships. From the inception she had the negative trait of selfishness. She demanded more than she was willing to give/express/supply. This is so with many of us, and we are very unaware. Anna may not have seen herself as selfish, even though her partners would have told her, or she chose not to accept her negative trait because she was not humble enough to accept criticism.
Some of us are selfish, thoughtless, unforgiving, lack affection, stingy, haughty/arrogant, lack transparency, deceptive, manipulative and all other negative traits. However, we desire selfless, considerate, forgiving, affectionate, generous, modest/humble, transparent, honest, ingenuous persons.
Before entering into a relationship, ask yourself, "Who am I?", "What am I trying to achieve?", "What were the issues in my last relationship?", INTROSPECTION is key, we must know who we are, before we can assess what we have to offer someone else. Some of us don't even like, love or accept ourselves, nor are we willing to change certain things about ourselves; yet we expect others to love and accept us.
I do believe in loving a person correctly and bringing about healing in them, but, this can only happen if a person is humble enough to accept love and to change.
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results is INSANITY. - Einstein (though we're not sure he actually said this- as it has been attributed to other scholars such as Mark Twain and Chinese proverbs). We cannot expect our relationships to get better and we remain the same. Even the best man can be improved. We are unavoidably imperfect.
Consequently, we must be realistic as well, we see traits in a person that are undesirable and we proceed to enter relationships because of surface attraction. This is selfish! Why? Well,what happens when they have fallen for you and you are unable to share the same sentiments? When their looks are not enough anymore? We awaken something during the moment of self-gratification and hurt someone else in the process.
Someone once told me "In a relationship one's partner should bring out the best in that person. Your mate should want to get the best version of you, and you should want the best version of your mate."
This was powerful to me because it showed me that the right relationships should make you become the best you can be; love transforms the broken into the repaired, the insecure into the confident, the shy into the bold and hurt into the healed. Just as with God we are transformed because He himself is Love.
Many times our partners tell us-in many ways- what our unattractive traits are; we must listen and consider them, not brush them off because we feel we already know everything there is to know about ourselves, sometimes we really cannot see how repugnant we truthfully can be at times.
Communicate properly, listen to understand and not just for rebuttal. Many of us just listen enough to respond with what we already have in our heads, this is poisonous, why? Because we can learn nothing if nothing can penetrate our subconscious and marinate long enough to bring us clarity and consciousness. We restrict the work of the neurons in our brains if we do not allow the electrical impulses to carry the message to the cerebrum, which brings about conscious thought.
In conclusion: The next time you see your relationship beginning to mimic your previously failed attempt, heading to an undesirable end, use the tool of introspection, look at yourself, be honest with yourself and humble enough to accept criticism (No! I do not advocate for a person to berate and demean you, there is a difference), and make the necessary adjustments.
Remember humility is a God trait. Sometimes our relationships fail because WE OURSELVES ARE THE PROBLEM.
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and share with your friends!
"Life is a Joy... Embrace It!"
Sometimes we go into relationships with the preconceived notion that the other person was the problem. We do the same things, act the same way, make the same decisions, expect the new person to react the way we would to a situation; in essence, we remain the same without growth and still think the other person is at fault.
Even in our relationship with God; we sin (purposefully) and expect that he will bless us because "we are only human", "God is forgiving", "God is loving", "God is merciful", "God knows my heart".
Yes! God is all those things but if we truly believe that God knows our hearts, we also MUST concede that God, therefore, knows that we are Unrepentant, Unchanging, and use him conveniently. Just like we use our partners conveniently, just as we are not sorry for our negative traits, just as we are not willing to change the negative parts of us.
Consider this scenario:
A woman, lets call her Anna.
Anna has just ended another relationship, some of the feedback she received was not new to her, they included: She kept bringing up the past and kept expecting her boyfriend to do what the last boyfriend would have done (the negative, even though he would do a lot of positive). She likes to be spoiled (materialistically and affectionately), however, she is stingy in spending on her mate, and "doesn't like to be mushy". Her relationship has ended because her boyfriend wouldn't spend on her and would cheat on her.
She meets a new man, and she expects that he will spoil her materialistically and with affection. Her current relationship also ends, he had never cheated and he tried to spoil her as best he could, but she was paranoid that he would cheat and she was very demanding emotionally and materialistically.
She loved him? Yes! However, she was not able to give him what he desired from the relationship, as she was unwilling to spoil him as well and she was not into being mushy and overly loving to him outside of just saying "I love you (too)".
Two different situations, two different relationships, same outcome.
I'll tell you why. Anna was the same in BOTH relationships. From the inception she had the negative trait of selfishness. She demanded more than she was willing to give/express/supply. This is so with many of us, and we are very unaware. Anna may not have seen herself as selfish, even though her partners would have told her, or she chose not to accept her negative trait because she was not humble enough to accept criticism.
Some of us are selfish, thoughtless, unforgiving, lack affection, stingy, haughty/arrogant, lack transparency, deceptive, manipulative and all other negative traits. However, we desire selfless, considerate, forgiving, affectionate, generous, modest/humble, transparent, honest, ingenuous persons.
Before entering into a relationship, ask yourself, "Who am I?", "What am I trying to achieve?", "What were the issues in my last relationship?", INTROSPECTION is key, we must know who we are, before we can assess what we have to offer someone else. Some of us don't even like, love or accept ourselves, nor are we willing to change certain things about ourselves; yet we expect others to love and accept us.
I do believe in loving a person correctly and bringing about healing in them, but, this can only happen if a person is humble enough to accept love and to change.
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results is INSANITY. - Einstein (though we're not sure he actually said this- as it has been attributed to other scholars such as Mark Twain and Chinese proverbs). We cannot expect our relationships to get better and we remain the same. Even the best man can be improved. We are unavoidably imperfect.
Consequently, we must be realistic as well, we see traits in a person that are undesirable and we proceed to enter relationships because of surface attraction. This is selfish! Why? Well,what happens when they have fallen for you and you are unable to share the same sentiments? When their looks are not enough anymore? We awaken something during the moment of self-gratification and hurt someone else in the process.
Someone once told me "In a relationship one's partner should bring out the best in that person. Your mate should want to get the best version of you, and you should want the best version of your mate."
This was powerful to me because it showed me that the right relationships should make you become the best you can be; love transforms the broken into the repaired, the insecure into the confident, the shy into the bold and hurt into the healed. Just as with God we are transformed because He himself is Love.
Many times our partners tell us-in many ways- what our unattractive traits are; we must listen and consider them, not brush them off because we feel we already know everything there is to know about ourselves, sometimes we really cannot see how repugnant we truthfully can be at times.
Communicate properly, listen to understand and not just for rebuttal. Many of us just listen enough to respond with what we already have in our heads, this is poisonous, why? Because we can learn nothing if nothing can penetrate our subconscious and marinate long enough to bring us clarity and consciousness. We restrict the work of the neurons in our brains if we do not allow the electrical impulses to carry the message to the cerebrum, which brings about conscious thought.
In conclusion: The next time you see your relationship beginning to mimic your previously failed attempt, heading to an undesirable end, use the tool of introspection, look at yourself, be honest with yourself and humble enough to accept criticism (No! I do not advocate for a person to berate and demean you, there is a difference), and make the necessary adjustments.
Remember humility is a God trait. Sometimes our relationships fail because WE OURSELVES ARE THE PROBLEM.
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and share with your friends!
"Life is a Joy... Embrace It!"
