WHO'S REALLY THE PROBLEM?

Do all your relationships follow the same pattern and end the same way?

Sometimes we go into relationships with the preconceived notion that the other person was the problem. We do the same things, act the same way, make the same decisions, expect the new person to react the way we would to a situation; in essence, we remain the same without growth and still think the other person is at fault. 

Even in our relationship with God; we sin (purposefully) and expect that he will bless us because "we are only human", "God is forgiving", "God is loving", "God is merciful", "God knows my heart". 
Yes! God is all those things but if we truly believe that God knows our hearts, we also MUST concede that God, therefore, knows that we are Unrepentant, Unchanging, and use him conveniently. Just like we use our partners conveniently, just as we are not sorry for our negative traits, just as we are not willing to change the negative parts of us. 

Consider this scenario:
A woman, lets call her Anna. 
Anna has just ended another relationship, some of the feedback she received was not new to her, they included: She kept bringing up the past and kept expecting her boyfriend to do what the last boyfriend would have done (the negative, even though he would do a lot of positive). She likes to be spoiled (materialistically and affectionately), however, she is stingy in spending on her mate, and "doesn't like to be mushy". Her relationship has ended because her boyfriend wouldn't spend on her and would cheat on her. 
She meets a new man, and she expects that he will spoil her materialistically and with affection. Her current relationship also ends, he had never cheated and he tried to spoil her as best he could, but she was paranoid that he would cheat and she was very demanding emotionally and materialistically. 
She loved him? Yes! However, she was not able to give him what he desired from the relationship, as she was unwilling to spoil him as well and she was not into being mushy and overly loving to him outside of just saying "I love you (too)". 

Two different situations, two different relationships, same outcome. 

I'll tell you why. Anna was the same in BOTH relationships. From the inception she had the negative trait of selfishness. She demanded more than she was willing to give/express/supply. This is so with many of us, and we are very unaware. Anna may not have seen herself as selfish, even though her partners would have told her, or she chose not to accept her negative trait because she was not humble enough to accept criticism. 

Some of us are selfish, thoughtless, unforgiving, lack affection, stingy, haughty/arrogant, lack transparency, deceptive, manipulative and all other negative traits. However, we desire selfless, considerate, forgiving, affectionate, generous, modest/humble, transparent, honest, ingenuous persons. 

Before entering into a relationship, ask yourself, "Who am I?", "What am I trying to achieve?", "What were the issues in my last relationship?", INTROSPECTION is key, we must know who we are, before we can assess what we have to offer someone else. Some of us don't even like, love or accept ourselves, nor are we willing to change certain things about ourselves; yet we expect others to love and accept us. 
I do believe in loving a person correctly and bringing about healing in them, but, this can only happen if a person is humble enough to accept love and to change. 

Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results is INSANITY. - Einstein (though we're not sure he actually said this- as it has been attributed to other scholars such as Mark Twain and Chinese proverbs). We cannot expect our relationships to get better and we remain the same. Even the best man can be improved. We are unavoidably imperfect. 

Consequently, we must be realistic as well, we see traits in a person that are undesirable and we proceed to enter relationships because of surface attraction. This is selfish! Why? Well,what happens when they have fallen for you and you are unable to share the same sentiments? When their looks are not enough anymore? We awaken something during the moment of self-gratification and hurt someone else in the process. 

Someone once told me "In a relationship one's partner should bring out the best in that person. Your mate should want to get the best version of you, and you should want the best version of your mate."
This was powerful to me because it showed me that the right relationships should make you become the best you can be; love transforms the broken into the repaired, the insecure into the confident, the shy into the bold and hurt into the healed. Just as with God we are transformed because He himself is Love. 
Many times our partners tell us-in many ways- what our unattractive traits are; we must listen and consider them, not brush them off because we feel we already know everything there is to know about ourselves, sometimes we really cannot see how repugnant we truthfully can be at times. 

Communicate properly, listen to understand and not just for rebuttal. Many of us just listen enough to respond with what we already have in our heads, this is poisonous, why? Because we can learn nothing if nothing can penetrate our subconscious and marinate long enough to bring us clarity and consciousness. We restrict the work of the neurons in our brains if we do not allow the electrical impulses to carry the message to the cerebrum, which brings about conscious thought. 

In conclusion: The next time you see your relationship  beginning to mimic your previously failed attempt, heading to an undesirable end, use the tool of introspection, look at yourself, be honest with yourself and humble enough to accept criticism (No! I do not advocate for a person to berate and demean you, there is a difference), and make the necessary adjustments.
Remember humility is a God trait. Sometimes our relationships fail because WE OURSELVES ARE THE PROBLEM. 

Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment and share with your friends! 

"Life is a Joy... Embrace It!"

I've finally recovered this Blog.
Will most definitely be posting soon.

ALWAYS THE OUTCOME

"Nah all ah dem gyal deh bad"

"All girls from deh dutty"

"I'd prefer a gyal form elsewhere rather than one from deh"

"Never go with a girl from there...."

Just recently I was confronted with statements such as these, and I was offended because the area to which I belonged was deemed the lowest of the prospects where 'choosing a girl' was concerned.

Okay, yes geographic location is key when making choices, as persons- in this case women- do have similar traits; physical as well as mental and may even act similarly, as an area may raise their young with identical morals and values. But when we begin to brand people based on the place from which they derive, that I cannot agree with. Just as men feel victimized by purposefully degrading phrases like, "ALL MAN IS DOG" and "ALL MAN DOES HORN" and the ever popular "ALL MAN WORTHLESS". So do women feel victimized when they are judged first and foremost because of  where they may come from. 

Each individual is just that AN INDIVIDUAL, and while cultures, religion and primary socialization teachings cause persons to be similar in an associative perspective. Persons should be judged, and viewed based solely on personal interaction, and personal dealings rather than on the frivolous "where they're from". How can you judge a person you have never met? How can you class a person to be of a specific standing, yet you have never had one on one interaction with them?

This practice causes good women; who are honestly good candidates, who are well capable of making a man- be him young or old- happy, who will be satisfactory lovers, to be passed up because of where they reside.... 

Bear in mind, anyone can be raised in one area, and simply move to a different geographical location. We can't always tell where a person really comes from.

I thank you for reading.... please feel free to comment and disagree :D

"Life is a Joy... Embrace it!"

MISTAKES OF A SIMPLE MIND

Appreciation; the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value....

Why do relationships not work?.... Simply because we fail to carry out the act of estimating the quality of what we have, and in addition giving it it's proper value.

Too often, we lose what we have; and it is only after it has gone, that we realise how significant it was in our lives. Initially, it is beautiful, perfect, exactly what we desire to have in our possessions. Until we are confronted with something that is seemingly 'better'. I do understand though that sometimes, persons are not meant to be, and so relationships do not last.... But those are exceptions and not the relationships from which I draw my conclusions.

>>Allow me to introduce you to the 80:20 RULE [some of you may already be familiar with this but for those who are not]... 

It simply implies, that most of the time in relationships, (marriage, committed or just casually dating) we get only 80% of the 100% we desire to attain, and we therefore unconsciously or consciously (depending on the individual) seek out that which eludes us; though it is in fact the minority percentage of what makes a person who they are.

Now realistically, we may say that we are content with the 80% that our companion possesses, but many times we find ourselves chasing after the 20% that they don't. Please do not misunderstand me going after what one wants is never a bad thing. It is what we leave behind, the pains we inflict on others or the paths we choose while we are in pursuit of what we want that brings things into perspective. Do we make good choices? Do we really acquire what we desire, or do we lose the things that are really of the utmost importance to us? Does it really make sense to leave 80 for 20?

Sometimes it may seem like the 20 is something that we cannot just accept as not existing, and so we move, leaving our 80 behind. Until we begin to crave the 80 that we once had...

Though 20 in mathematical terminology is the lesser in this case, it is of great significance *otherwise we would not destroy relationships because of it*. But we must come to the place where we are not controlled by the things we do not have, but rather be content with the things we do have that initially brought us happiness.

Men/Ladies we are both victims of this disease!!!

If you so desire to have that 20%, then sit your significant other down and let them know, bring to their attention the 20% that they may lack for whatever reason, and show them how they can begin to acquire the 20% you so seriously crave.COMMUNICATE with each other, send messages, and demand feedback.

In relationships, couples must learn to compromise. No being is perfect there will always be a lack of something, it is when you in yourself are not perfect yet you desire perfection that causes the issues in relationships to begin with. 

Learn to appreciate that which you do have, and show your appreciation, cherish it, be content, though at times it may be difficult to do so-with all the 20%s walking around- remember you have an 80% before you. Wake up and hold on to the pass(80%) you have and forget the fail(20%) you don't, before it's too late and you end up losing the beauty you already have.

Please feel free to make your own contributions, I welcome all opinions :)

Life is Joy, Embrace it!

I APOLOGISE FOR THE COLOUR, BUT THE SITE WAS GIVING A LITTLE TROUBLE... :D... Thank you for your kind consideration :)

A FINE LINE

Has it ever occurred to you that people around you look so much alike, that it's sometimes hard to differentiate between person who are associated and those who are not?

Increasingly everyone is desirous of self expression, whether it be in clothing, action or ideology (their general way of thinking).... More often than not, the typical individual is in full agreement with 'self expression' and the ever prevalent 'INDIVIDUALITY'.

But, what exactly are they expressing?

MY view on the subject is that WE have too often allowed external influences to forge OUR individualistic expressions. For examples:-

1) The dress code we adopt- whether they be from the hairstyles to the articles of clothing we drape ourselves in- they are never totally a reflection of self. Don't get me wrong, I have no qualms with keeping up with fashion, or the choice of creating 'self expression' from a designers creation. The issue starts for me when self expression becomes the forum for stolen ideas, and borrowed costuming...

Everyone wants to be the next Nikki Minaj, Cassie or even Rihanna; with their fake hair colours or haircuts (all with bangs), eccentric dressing and even the weird facial expressions in photography. All around us there are passa passa dancers and Meritol performers. Who ALL look the same by the way. Every time I'm in a club or anywhere in my beautiful country as a whole, I see more and more replicas of an already existing public persona. People! Let these people have their identities back, stop borrowing and find your own!!! 

2) Even the way we speak, we have chosen to omit our local slangs and actions to adopt foreign choice of words, and even behaviours.

Influences are unavoidable- especially when we are exposed to it by mass media on a day to day basis- but WE MUST try to limit our use of these external influences when we desire to express self.

The examples that i have used do not imply that I do not like the people I have chosen, and it does not mean that I have a problem with them neither am I adopting a haters stance .... I just believe that we can all be in admiration of them without unknowingly becoming them in the process. We can still express self by dressing similarly (if we must), BUT make it our own by being variant in many instances... Dare to be different! Which will u chose INDIVIDUALITY or UNIFORMED CONFORMITY?..... A Fine Line!

Please feel free to add your own opinions I INVITE THEM OPENLY.... If u disagree ALL THE BETTER... Tell me what u think ;) 

Remember All opinions are most welcomed!!! 

Life is a Joy, Embrace it!

Dangerous Assuptions

"Not because it comes into mind; it means that it actually exists."

A lot of times, women/men believe that their significant other is cheating on them simply because he/she may look at another woman or man...

Realistically, sometimes they do; women and men do sometimes cheat, and some are really a bunch of good-for-nothings. However, some only cheat after they are constantly bombarded by accusatory questions on a day-to-day basis. 

Ladies!!! Check your personal insecurities and issues, then deal with them before you bring them into your current relationships. Men do not desire a woman who is unaware of her physical and intellectual worth. A man will be content and willing to fight for what he has, once what he has is showing a level of quality that he views as worth fighting for. 

No man wants a nag, or a boss, or a defense lawyer as a girlfriend, wife, or lover... So, sometimes, ladies, give your men a break. If he looks, let him look -women look as well and they talk about what they've seen and how good it is (innocently of course)- But if a man remains where he is, that means he is content because if he saw something else that he could get, bet yuh bottom dollar he ah guh get it and leff you, just because you are 'too much to handle' and you are 'bringing too much stress in his life'. So quit the peeking around in text messages, and BB IMs, and stop tryna be everywhere he's going to be... give the man some space, he already has on ample articles of clothing....

Men!!! Stop trying to control everything. The beauty of a relationship is the ability of both parties to maintain their individuality and freedom. Who wants someone to be with them because they have no other choice? Who wants to keep doing what another person wants to do with no consideration for their own desires all the time??? NO ONE!!! Therefore, allow your ladies to have their male friends; don't you have female friends you refuse to let go of? Most times, it is a simple, innocent friendship that existed before they even chose you. THINK ABOUT IT, SHE CHOSE YOU!!! So there is no need to hang around her ever move, insinuating that she has ulterior motives when she's out with her friends, or asking her who she's talking to in a judgmental tone, then getting angry when she's trying to tell you about something that transpired during the day. BE GRATEFUL SHE'S TELLING YOU AT ALL! Most men judge their women based on how they would handle a situation themselves. Don't do so when you don't like so...

Finally. Both parties have to come to the understanding of contentment; be grateful and appreciative of what you have, and see the beauty in it. However, if you feel like you desire to move on, DO SO. Don't waste time and cause a nasty void to be created between you and your significant other. I will even go as far as to say:- Make God the center of your relationship, whatever type it may be: married, a committed relationship without marriage, or casual dating. Pray together, spend time with God together, and if it ends, then you'll both know it was never meant to be... But you'll still be able to remain friends, you see ;)

Feel free to comment as your feelings move u... remember no opinion is unwelcome 

Life is a Joy, Embrace it!

Anchor Crews.....

Question Unanswered

Most times we often ask ourselves,'' How does one know when he or she has found that elusive 'ONE'?"  That individual who descriptively completes us, and allows us to yearn for a forever that may or may not be afforded to us...

Well, many of us may believe that we've found the one, until we are faced with issues in our relationships that cause us to second-guess our previous decision of entering that relationship in which we are currently 'suffering'.

My take is, however, that an individual knows when he or she has found the one, when he or she is faced with an issue in their relationship and still cannot see an existence without their significant other. He/she would rather suffer at all costs than give up on it all because the reward, which involves keeping their mate, to them, is seemingly worth more than losing their mate over the current situation and therefore prefers to fight for that silver lining to their cloud. 

Even in the instance of separation, whether it be temporarily or permanently, if you feel like a literal part of you has been severed from your person, and continuation of life without your partner is almost impossible. If you feel like nothing tangible or intangible can fill that void... then that may be your person. 

Tell me what u think :).. no opinion is unwelcome.....I invite u to help me make this Blog an exciting one....

Life is a joy, Embrace it!